Please Don’t Force Your Daughter to Wear Giant Hair Bows

The first time time I heard the term “bow bootcamp” my daughter was just a year old. A friend, who also had a one year old girl, mentioned that a mutual acquaintance at church had trained her own daughters and many other girls in her care to keep a bow in their hair. I was intrigued. My daughter had a mess of fine, wavy hair that was perpetually finding its way into her eyes and mouth despite my attempts to subdue it with a well-placed alligator clip. But my intrigue soon turned to unease as my friend relayed this older mom’s advice: “Whenever your daughter removes her bow, sternly and consistently smack her little hand and replace it. Consistency with this seemingly small thing will set you up for disciplining in the future and show her you mean business. It’s not about the bow.”

I swallowed my feminist outrage in that moment and managed to extricate myself from the conversation, but it has continued to vex me over the years.

A quick search on Pinterest revealed that this mom was not the originator of the “bow bootcamp” term (although few others advocated for the use of physical punishment as a training method). But since that conversation over three years ago, every time I see a Facebook picture of a little girl with a giant, outfit-coordinating bow atop her head, I wonder who insisted it complete the ensemble. Every time a friend finds out she is having her first girl, I note other well-meaning moms rejoicing with her over all the bows in her future. Every time I see a JoJo bow framing a tiny dancer’s face caked in entirely too much makeup, I cringe. And every time I hear the phrase, “the bigger the bow, the better the mom,” I just about lose it.

Because the other mom was right about one thing. It’s not about the bow.

In a culture that is already rife with troubling body image issues, drawing battle lines over something as trivial and arbitrary as a hair bow teaches my daughter that her looks are what give her value. It communicates that I don’t care about her preferences or opinions. And even worse, it teaches her that her appearance and willingness to please others with her appearance are more important than her comfort and choices. As a former teacher, I am a devout disciple of the idea that consistency, expectations and consequences are absolutely necessary for children. I set very clear limits for my daughter (and son) and have high expectations for behavior. But the popularity of giant hair bows has nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with presenting an appealing, attractive image to others.

In the name of full disclosure, and lest you think I have fanatically banned all hair accessories in my home, let me be the first to say that my daughter actually loves wearing bows in her hair. Most of the time, it is she who suggests adding one to an outfit, and, much like her recent idol, Fancy Nancy, she laments that her mother is content to walk through life dressed so plainly. I know that many little girls love their bows and bonding over accessories can be a joy for mothers and daughters alike.

But as we enter into the holiday season, adorned with its sweetly monogrammed outfits and coordinating accessories, let’s be sure to take the time to listen to our daughters, whether they be four months or four years or fourteen years old. Within reason, encourage their developing sense of autonomy over their body and their fashion choices. Respect their decisions regarding what they are and are not comfortable with, and teach them that their worth lies in what is inside their precious bodies and not what is resting atop them.

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6 Responses to Please Don’t Force Your Daughter to Wear Giant Hair Bows

  1. Jenny November 19, 2017 at 8:58 am #

    I love this so much, Sara!

  2. Andrea Monk November 19, 2017 at 3:21 pm #

    I wish this had been written when I was a child and my mother forced to read it.

  3. Cassie November 26, 2017 at 10:01 pm #

    I personally think big bows make babies look like clowns. Simple is best! I have a girl and she loves pretty hairstyles but if she wants to take it down and have ratty hair I let her. Don’t sweat the small stuff!

  4. Kelly Hopkins December 3, 2017 at 3:18 am #

    I hate to see newborn babies with a bow around their head which is bigger than their tiny face!

  5. Mary-Ann August 13, 2018 at 1:25 pm #

    I agree! If an older girl chooses to wear a bow, then let her but don’t force an infant to wear one. They look ridiculous and uncomfortable. Babies are beautiful without adornments such as this.

  6. Cassie O August 14, 2018 at 11:42 pm #

    My niece loves whatever this Jojo bow trend is with ridiculously oversized hair bows. She’s 4. I think it looks ridiculous. In any case the little girl does like the bows and chooses to wear them. If she wants to wear them she has to allow her mom to fix them when she starts looking like a hot mess from running around outside to play etc or take the dumb looking thing out. But training a child to wear bows and hand smacking for messing with them is completely over the top. If the mom likes the bow that much maybe she should try walking around looking like a fool in the damn bows. I am also not sure why anyone thinks a bow bigger than the child’s head looks cute. It looks stupid. And the parent looks like a moron for thinking it looks cute. But we have cultivated a society where feelings are valued more than truth, so we will all say aww how cute and not mean it. Don’t say it’s cute when it isn’t- you don’t have to come out and say it looks absolutely moronic, just don’t say anything at all. The false encouragement about how cute things are when they really aren’t cute perpetuates the problem. The motto was ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all’ NOT ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, just lie.’ Put the bows down.

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