Confessional: Lately I have been feeling “wild,” “out of sorts,” “hormonal.” I mean the crying at the drop of the hat, bull-in-a-pen wild. My sanity is in fight or flight mode. I have considered the unseasonal blue moon or the impending Perseid meteor shower as the source. I have ruled out postpartum and clinical depression.
Diagnosis: It’s the dog days of summer and I have the summer time blues.
Dialogue: What I mean by the “summer time blues” is that time has slowed down to a lethargic pace; the heat is burning away my energy and positive outlook on life. I have been working so hard in so many aspects of my life and summer is waning. I know this to be true literally and metaphorically. I have felt pressure building.
I am an older mom—37. When I was 28, I was driven to have a career and a family complete with a bundle of joy to call my own. Now that I have one I have the burning question of “What is next for me!?!”
I feel like a quiet revolution about to burst.
What I am writing is not new. I know that in the last month you may have read this conversation in some iteration from Andrea, Stephanie, or Lauren. We are all sending a similar message: we need to slow down, NOT plan, and claim ourselves. I also add we need to keep this dialogue going.
I have started talking more (like I am in the post). It is so easy to isolate and let depression root itself. Gervase from our Charleston Sister Site talks about this to some extent. I have let depression root and have become somewhat resentful of my old self (pre-baby) — so much so that I have lost ground. But here is the reality…
A few weeks ago I took a week long vacation and put the kid in daycare while hubby was at work. A lot of folks asked me what I was going to do. I had planned a stuffed schedule full of plans to read, sew, hike, exercise, craft, organize my closet, and listen to records. I did that for 30% of my time off [I did the math]. The rest of the time I “did nothing.”
Epiphany: In taking time to do nothing I realized…I did not do that S#$* before I was pregnant either. Ha! I do not want to stay trapped in fight or flight mode to reclaim an imaginary self or a self that has unreasonable expectations of what is possible. In doing both, I realize I limit myself.
Prescription: So now what…Keep talking. In sharing our story, clarity and inspiration will be present.
This week has been an improvement already. So far by talking to others, I:
- Discovered my friend has an awesome weave that exactly matches her hair
- Got a free tamale that was delicious
- Had my picture taken at the Market Square Farmers’ Market
- Shared a decadent cream cheese sweet roll with a co-worker
- Was loaned the new “Southern Review” to read
- Just did the Ministry of Silly Walks
- Have not been sweating the small stuff