The last four weeks or so have been a bit of a blur for me. I filed for divorce from my husband, moved out of my dream house, changed my big boys’ school (they’re starting a new one next year but the events leading up to that decision occurred in this four week window), and found out late last week that my dad is in the final stages of liver failure and was given 12 months to live at most.
Yeah. It’s been a lot.
I didn’t break down and I didn’t freak out. Through it all, I had a bizarre sense of calm. Maybe it was the “this can’t be real life” haze of everything as I knew it falling apart while the rest of the world kept turning around me. Maybe it was knowing that no matter what was going on, I still had three boys who needed me just as much, if not more, now than they ever did. Or maybe it was the gratitude in my heart for everyone around me — friends and family — reaching out and showing up for the boys and me every day.
I am in pain. I am in transition. I am growing. And I am so grateful.
I have a wonderful tribe of friends and family who have supported me so well through everything. I am trying to see the beauty of beginning anew from circumstances that are far less than desirable. And while gratitude will not heal me immediately, it has been adequate fodder for the beginning of my healing process.
I am a firm believer that circumstances will be what they will be, but attitude determines our way through it all. I haven’t always been this way, and it is a conscious shift for me that I have to actually stop and make myself do sometimes. For most of my life, I’ve not been a glass half full/glass half empty person (I’ve wanted to know who was touching my glass in the first place), but in the last four or so weeks, I have tried to see the good, the silver lining, the sunny side to everything being thrown my way.
I have three beautiful healthy boys which is so much more than so many parents can say. I am leaving a relationship that was unhealthy and sad, punctuated by moments of good, and from it I have learned and will continue to learn valuable lessons about myself and what I will and will not tolerate in my life. I have a new house that is very different from my “dream house” I left, but it has become a home and a safe haven when my kids and I were the weariest from our troubles. The boys are changing schools, and with that change come special education services in the way of visual aids for my six-year-old who is both color blind and legally blind. These were services we were having hard time procuring at their current school.
My dad is the saddest piece of this puzzle and our complicated relationship through the years has been a hard pill to swallow as I have looked back and tried to process the information I was told last week. I’m not sure how to approach this with any form of gratitude, other than to try and move forward and make the most of our time and the time he has with his grandsons.