A lot of people told me that my life would change after I had kids and offered up their truths to me. As a 23 year old first-time mom, I frankly thought they were idiots. “I’m going to keep my own schedule,” I would say. “This baby isn’t going to dictate my every move; he can just do what I do.” (Moment of silence for 23 year old me. Bless her heart.)
Since becoming a mom of two wild animals
1. Kids don’t eat like you think they will eat. (I wanted my children to eat all organic, meat-free diets with no red dye or sugar. Once I caught them eating French fries off the floor on my SUV… Whatever man.)
2. Sometimes the drive-thru is the best you can do.
3. You can’t organize Legos, so just stop trying.
4. Kids will never say the cute things you want them to say in front of your grandparents, but they will drop the f-bomb at 18 months… Yay.
5. You will learn to go number two with an audience; that audience may even sit on your lap while you do so.
6. Grandparents really don’t have rules at their houses. Brace yourself after a weekend away.
7. Family pictures are so pretty after the fact, but will be the most stressful and soul crushing hour of your color-coordinated, matching lives.
8. It’s fine to lock yourself in the bathroom/bedroom/a closet for five minutes for some alone time.
9. Shower time is the perfect time for your kids to trap you and interrogate you in similar fashion to the Spanish Inquisition. Some examples include:
Where is mommy’s peenie?
Why is mommy shaving her legs?
Are the dogs real sisters or do we just call them that?
Does Jesus have Legos?
How come when girls get married they can’t keep their last name?
How do you spell _____ (insert any number of words, real or imagined).
How long would it take us to walk to Hawaii?
What do you think sharks think about?
Do you remember any dinosaurs? Like from when you were little?
10. The shower will also become some sort of space/time vortex in which your kids are rendered nearly helpless the second they hear water hit the tile, and will suddenly need you to do every last thing for them.
11. Toddlers think the bra drawers at Victoria’s Secret are hilarious and fun to scatter about the store. Don’t go in there. (You just want to look at sweatpants anyway, let’s be real here).
12. Your personal style will detour from Carrie Bradshaw to “I wasn’t expecting to get out of the car.”
13. Adult shows will get deleted on the DVR, as there is no room left after the 480 episodes of Paw Patrol are saved.
14. Terrible twos are real, but the “threenager” phase is SO REAL. Prepare now.
15. People who don’t have kids won’t understand you and that’s okay.
16. Go to Chick-fil-A often. They treat moms like goddess queens. Trust me.
17. When people compare their pets to babies you will become violent. (I love my dogs. I adore my dogs. But they are not the same as a baby. I cannot crate train my toddler. Don’t compare them or I will not be held liable if I smack you in the mouth.)
18. You will feel guilty about going to work. You will feel guilty for staying home. You will be shamed for breastfeeding. You will be shamed for bottle feeding. People are rude. Grow a thick skin.
19. It’s fine to ask for help. People want to help you.
20. No one’s life/house/partner is as perfect as they look on social media.
21. There are bad teachers at good schools and good teachers at bad schools.
22. Don’t buy light-colored furniture.
23. When your best friend’s kids and your kids become friends it is literally magic and your heart will grow like the Grinch after robbing Whoville.
24. Packing for a vacation with kids is a special form of torture.
25. Moving is even worse.
26. Make friends who will never tell you it’s too early to start drinking wine.
27. When childless people tell you they’re tired, fight the urge to kill them. (You’re probably too pretty to go to jail.)
28. You will want a break from your kids sometimes and that’s okay (just be prepared to miss them the second you part ways.)
29. Pinterest can be a double-edged sword; use it wisely.
30. Boys are always naked, always talking about their “boy parts,” and have one volume: loud.
31. Reaching milestones will fill you with pride and bittersweet sadness.
32. Just buy the king size bed. Trust me. (Sleep is important no matter if it’s achieved by two grown ups and two little people in order to do so.)
33. If you don’t find yourself humming cartoon songs throughout the day/night, you’re doing something wrong.
34. You want to buy a waterproof mattress cover (the stomach flu and potty training are deep and real, guys.)
35. You don’t have to listen to anyone else’s opinions on child rearing.
36. You’ll forget to initial the homework binder.
37. You’ll thank God you asked for passes to theme parks, the zoo, the aquarium, etc. for gifts instead of toys come summertime.
38. Snow days take on a whole other meaning when your kids are home; gird your loins.
39. THERE IS NO SILENCE. THERE IS ONLY NICK JR.
40. Your kids will change everything. Let them. You’ll be so glad you did.❤️
