My husband and I took our 2 ½ year old out for brunch this past weekend. We showed up at a local brunch spot and were immediately treated like we were pariahs.
Hostess: Just the two of you?
Husband (holding our son): Three of us.
Me (thinking about the hostess): Can you see my son?
Hostess (curtly and looking past us): Let me see what is available?
Me (thinking): Uh, the restaurant looks pretty empty.
Husband: Can we sit outside on the patio?
Hostess (craning her neck): Let me see. (still looking around)
Husband: Is the patio full?
Hostess (begrudgingly): No. Follow me.
Finally, after allowing us to sit on the patio. I tried to let it go (maybe she has to sit folks in a specific server’s section? Maybe she is in a bad mood?). I continued to observe the hostess as she was rude to any group that had children. I watched her rolling her eyes after seating them and at one point mumbling under her breath as she sat a large party, ‘Are you kidding me?’ Her attitude made me feel like we shouldn’t be there rather than being a paying customer that needed service. I did not notice any signs that said “No children allowed. They are not welcome here.” or “Children must sit in a designated area.”
This experience sparked a conversation about children in restaurants. My husband has been restaurant manager and catering director so he had lots to say from both sides. I know that some parents tune their children out and let them get wild at restaurants. Some parents special order everything and send the server on a relay race. Some families make a sloppy mess and don’t leave a tip. Yes, I have seen this. I too have rolled my eyes or thought geez they should get out of here. Also, I remember what it was like to be without a kid and not wanting to sit next to some kid staring at me.
BUT does that mean that anyone with a child should stay at home until their children are in their tweens?
NO.
Following are some tips and consideration to assess if dining out with your children is a good idea.
Prep BEFORE dining out:
MANNERS. Practice table manners at home like using utensils, wiping face/hands, cleaning spills, and using an inside voice. Discuss your expectations before you leave the house and while traveling.
PRACTICE. Try having a sit down dinner party at your house before taking your child out to eat a restaurant. Mix it up and have other children there too to challenge your child to maintain manners.
CHOICE. Choose the right restaurant for your child’s temperament. I don’t mean fast food or family friendly mom-and-pop restaurants only. We are foodies and like to pick adventurous and upscale places too. We want our child to have a developed palate and try new things. That being said, we typically don’t do white tablecloth but instead save those for date nights.
TIMING. Naptime is good for an infant but not so good for a toddler. Pick a time when your child is at their best. Also don’t pick rush hour for a restaurant but rather an earlier time so you can enjoy the meal too.
SEATING. Pick a place with good seating. We don’t choose restaurants with tight seating, high tops, or bar stools. We also ask to be seated away from folks who are having an intimate dining experience, near other families, near an exit, or on a patio. Also, if more than one child/family…calling ahead is a courtesy and may be necessary to get a table without a long wait.
NO EXCEPTIONS. Use the same manners you have at home. Also, although it is tempting, order the food so that it comes out at the same time; this way your child is less likely to finish before you do. Limit your food substitutions and special requests too. If you have a finicky eater, then choose your restaurant carefully or pack in a few necessities discreetly.
BE PREPARED. You do not need a bulky bag of tricks but instead a few that will entertain your kid before the meal comes. Sugar packets and straws do not count! A couple of ideas instead of crayons: blocks, cars, play dough, finger puppets. Leave the noisy toys at home. Some games: picture/letter hunt with the menu, I spy around the restaurant, napkin faces, napkin origami.
HAVE SUPPLIES. If your kid has to have a special cup or utensil, bring it. Also, if you use one of those placemats that sticks to the table, pack it out with you. Those things are stressful to servers who are trying to clear a table quickly. If you are going to use one of these, again, make an appropriate restaurant choice—probably somewhere under $10 per person.
KNOW. We often look at a menu before we go somewhere now that we have the luxury of smart phones. This helps save time on stammering for what to order. Also, know what kind of mood your partner is in too. If I am ready to chill and so is my husband, then we need a date night instead ’cause somebody has to help manage the kiddo.
While dining:
RELAX. We order an adult beverage first and an appetizer. This shows the server that you are there to enjoy the food and will have a relaxed attitude. An appetizer also helps the kiddo stave off hunger before the entrée.
ENGAGE. Ask the server about the specials, what s/he likes, or any favorites for little ones. Again, this helps show that you are there to enjoy your time rather than rush in like a Tasmanian family. We typically order at least one special to show that we came for the experience. Also, as the food is received, give the server feedback on how the food tastes, atmosphere, and about the service. This helps the server want to come back and not just dismiss your table.
PICK. If you prepped ahead and know the menu, don’t wait for the server to come back with drinks. Ask if you can go ahead and order all at once. This is also a good time to let the server know if you are on a time frame. Do this after the server has introduced themselves and had the opportunity to tell you about the specials—otherwise this defeats the relaxed atmosphere and experience tips I just shared and is rude.
INCLUDE. Include your kid. A lot of times just keep talking while their kid is hollering and being wild. They are doing that for a reason…to get your attention. Give it to them. Focus on their good behaviors at the table. We like to play a game on naming the food or the flavor.
RECOGNIZE. If you see the warning signs and your child is starting to wane, move around or gracefully exit and return back to the table later.
CLEAN UP. I am not talking about stacking all of your plates and busting out a sweeper. We typically wipe up spills, gather up crumbs, and pick up a pile of pooled rice from the floor. A little effort goes a long way.
TIP. Tip at least 20%, maybe closer to 25% if the service was very good. If you can’t afford that kind of tip, then maybe dine out less with your kids so you can. If the service was bad, do let the manager know but (1) be sure you aren’t calling the kettle black and (2) give specific tips on areas for staff to improve.
FREQUENT. We go back to places where we have had a good experience AND continue to engage the restaurant staff. This way we all know what to expect. It’s great when the hostess or server says (with a smile), “You are back! Let me see that baby.”
If all this prep and thoughtfulness is too much to consider when dining out, then maybe it would be wise to stick with practice for a while. Our kids aren’t the only ones who need to be in the right headspace for dining out.
Do you have any tips to add? Share with us in the comments!
I’m more than a little curious about where you went for brunch!
Great eating out tips. We now have an infant and a two year old and have only tried eating out once with just the two of us. Usually my whole family goes, so I have lots of people to help watch the little ones. I found it was quite a bit harder with just me and my husband.
Loved the article but I never tip that way. It’s expensive to eat out with 3 anyway. It’s usually 10-20% depending on service.
You shouldn’t eat out if you cant afford the standard 20% tip. Waiters make $2.13 and hour and live on the tips made for their service. If you have good service and don’t tip at least 20% you’re a jerk.
Wow. Just… wow. I cannot imagine needing that much prep and extra work just to go out to eat. That’s insane!
Some of these tips, I feel like they are so obvious that mentioning them makes them out to be more work than they are. For example, OF COURSE you should not take a toddler to a 5 star restaurant at 8pm. OF COURSE, you should make sure that your kid is able to nap when they are tired, not expecting them to stay awake and be pleasant in public when they are exhausted. And OF COURSE you should teach your kids table manners — this isn’t something you were already doing from day one anyway?? (I guess I can’t imagine having a kid who is old enough to have a practice dinner at home, but somehow has never been out to eat and had to actually USE good table manners before?)
One thing I completely disagree with is bringing toys and things to distract your kid at the table. There’s nothing I hate more than having lunch with another family, and their kid can’t sit still or engage in the conversation or just enjoy being out to eat without a parade of distractions. It always seems to me that it’s the kids with the toys who can’t understand that they’re not on a playground, and the kids with electronic devices who won’t utter more than two syllables the whole meal.
A few of these tips… Why should families be required to sit away from everyone else? If the kids aren’t loud, rude, or messy, there’s no reason for that. (And if they are, they shouldn’t be in the restaurant!) Why should we be expected to be in a hurry, choosing our food before we even get to the restaurant and ordering as soon as we sit down? Having kids means you don’t get to relax and take your time? (And I don’t understand how that goes with your other advice of actually relaxing and taking your time?) And why should you be allowed fewer special requests/substitutions than parties where everyone is an adult? What’s the difference between 4 adults who each want a substitution and 2 adults and 2 kids wanting the same thing? And then tipping extra when you’re apparently not allowed to expect the same service?? I tip well, and I am happy to tip more when I know the server has had to work harder to serve us, but that’s also true if I’m out with a big group of adults. I’m not tipping based on the ages of the people at my table.
Just to explain where I’m coming from here, we are the family that makes the servers blanch when they see us coming — two adults and eight kids, including a toddler. But it never fails that, before the check arrives, the manager is coming over to ooh and ahh, and thank us for having kids that don’t act like complete jerks in a restaurant. (Which, we’re not super special or anything; it’s just the reversal of their expectation.) So I’m not thinking that they’re complaining about us when we leave, despite the fact that I don’t follow these tips.
Michelle, thanks for the comments. You have a lot of experience and know what works for your family. What I shared works for us.
Great tips. I use a lot of those.