The Postpartum Judgment Day

Congrats girl, you have just given birth to a new human being! You’ve finally been discharged from the hospital and you head home with baby safely tucked in the car seat. Time to relax, put on some comfy pants, and catch up on the DVR.

But wait, you realize you have to make your first public appearance post baby in the next few days. No big deal. You’ll throw on your trusty maternity jeans and your favorite maternity top.

But here’s the cruel joke: You still look 5 (or 8) months pregnant.

Your perfectly round belly is now squishy. The wonderful maternity jeans that you wore day in and day out for the last five months now hardly stay up on your empty midsection. That maternity shirt that looked so cute with your belly now just looks sloppy.

Cue panic. What do you wear now?!

Those favorite pre-baby jeans? Uh, yeah, don’t even grab those. But then you do. Surely it won’t be too bad. Okay, they are on…now to button…oh heck. Well, they button…but I can’t sit down or the button may literally pop off.

Okay, so no jeans for a second. Leggings. Bless the fashion trend of leggings. These babies ALWAYS fit.

Now on to the top. Here’s a cute t-shirt. Oh. No. That squishy belly is pushy itself against that. Nope.

Tunic. Check. You know you gotta cover your booty. You know the area that is probably still rocking those mesh panties? The ones you put on in the dark and don’t dare look in a mirror to see how they look on your butt. And don’t forget the ginormous maxi pad you have shoved into those mesh panties. {Can we discuss maxi pads for a quick second? For those who never venture to the pad side of the aisle, this is so confusing. There are basically two options: panty liner or night-time extra long, extra wide, with wings. See the pic below: on the left is the “ginormous” hospital pad and the holy grail of pads on the right. Y’all, I didn’t have enough panty for this bad boy. It has TWO sets of “wings.” What do you even do with the second set?!}

Wait. What if your nursing boobies decide to leak? You grab a vest and an oversized scarf, just in case y’all. And might as well shove a couple nursing pads in your bra, because your boobs definitely need to look a little bigger.

Hair and makeup? You try your hardest but, honestly you’re exhausted and nothing can truly cover that up. You’ve put yourself together, look in the mirror and give yourself a really positive “hmph.” Sure. Let’s do this.

Just in case, let’s dress the baby super cute and throw a cute headband on her. Worst case, people can applaud you for such a cute human being. You load up the car and get on your way. You start to sweat a little, because postpartum, of course. You debate if you REALLY need to get out today but decide to keep on because you are a badass. You arrive at your destination, load up the stroller, and march in hoping someone notices all the work you’ve put in this morning.

Some nice stranger notices the screams coming from your stroller, because of course, and she casually makes her way toward you. She comments on how tiny the baby is and how beautiful/perfect/sweet/how you need to soak up every loving second of the newborn stage. You smile and shake your sleepy little head.

And then she says, “Wow, you look great for JUST having a baby.”

Mic drop, y’all.

, ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply