Full House: 5 Reasons Big Families Rock

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Thanksgiving 2013 at my aunt's house. This isn't even all of our clan, and we've grown by at least 10 since then.
Thanksgiving 2013 at my aunt’s house. This isn’t even all of our clan, and we’ve grown by at least 10 since then.

“So, are we tying your tubes today?”

It seemed like a rather innocuous question coming from the admitting nurse before my 3rd C-section.

“No, ma’am, not today,” I replied coolly. She looked up from her clipboard with a surprised stare I would see over and over again through the years.

“Really??” she almost gasped.

The nurse was only the first person that day to question my decision to leave my reproductive hardware uninhibited. The anesthesiologist and a surgical assistant both asked and responded with the same bewilderment. Never mind that I was only 26 and, in my mind, entirely too young to make such permanent decisions about my family. Everyone seemed so confused: why would anyone want that many kids?

We have all heard that oft-quoted (and probably inaccurate) statistic that the average American family has 2.5 kids. That little .5 is just enough for society to nod approvingly at the smaller, 2-child households while letting those crazy 3-kid parents slide by with little more than inappropriate offers to explain “how that happens” and endless comments on how full their hands are. So what about those with more?

Just a few weeks ago, I delivered my 4th little bundle of joy, and while that hardly qualifies us for a reality TV show, as one friend recently said, “4 kids is the new 10!” Large families are just in our blood: my dad is one of 9 kids, and my mother-in-law comes from a family of 17 children! (Yep, 9 and 17, same two parents each, all single births. Insane, I know.) A lot of people have valid concerns about having so many children, and I’m not here to debate that. But whether there are 4 or 14 kids, here are just a few reasons why big families are awesome:

1. It gets better.

You know how many people asked if I was tying my tubes before my 4th delivery? ONE. The admitting nurse. When I answered in the negative, she smiled. I’m one of those moms, apparently. For the first time ever, the lactation consultants were not knocking down my door trying to supervise breastfeeding. “This ain’t your first rodeo,” one joked. When the pediatrician was going over the standard newborn safety protocols, at one point he stopped and just said, “You’ve got this, right?” And yeah, I have got this!

While every child is different and requires a bit of relearning, you do get better at this mothering thing with experience. When my firstborn had a hacking cough, I rushed her to the ER for breathing treatments. (She didn’t get them because she was fine.) When my 3rd had a hacking cough from croup last fall, I rushed him to the steamy bathroom and then outside in the cool night air to calm his airways. (He immediately fell asleep, and we avoided the germy ER.) When my firstborn screamed for two hours on our first night home from the hospital, I cried and thought I was unfit to be a parent. When my 4th screams for what seems like forever, I calmly turn him on his stomach to relieve gas; I try to nurse him; I change his diaper; I swaddle him and whisper shushing sounds in his ear… I am calm, confident, and caring because I actually kinda know what I’m doing now. This ain’t my first rodeo, after all.

2. You’re never alone.

Sure, this one could be framed as a negative, but hear me out. There are plenty of benefits to the built-in playmates, such as using the bathroom by yourself, having big sister pitch the ball to little brother outside while you finish up dinner, or letting a “big helper” feed the baby while you handle the busted pipe in the kitchen. Eventually kids can sit at their own table at Chick-fil-A, making them feel super cool while you get to actually talk to your spouse. If your kids are close enough together, they can spy on each other at school or social events to help you stay on top of what they’re into. (Or if they’re really close, they can get into stuff together and make lifetime memories you couldn’t duplicate if  you wanted to.)

Let’s think loooong-term, though. We all know parenting is not just about the 18 years they are legally submitted to you or however many years they live under your roof. Being a parent is for life, and so is being a sibling. A few weeks ago, my precious grandmother passed away. As her health was failing, she had 9 children to share the burden of her care and the grief when she passed. Those 9 children also will forever share the experience of her memory, all the laughter and love that it brings. They’re not alone.

That's my dad, top right, with his parents and siblings circa 1972ish
That’s my dad, top left, with his parents and siblings, early 1970’s. The oldest was married with a few kids of her own by this point, but family is family – you get in that picture!
My dad, bottom right this time, with his siblings last fall. This is a tight-knit group.
My dad, bottom right this time, with his siblings last fall. This is a tight-knit group. They laugh a lot, and very loudly at that.

3. You have built-in friendships.

If there is one mantra our family is built on, it’s that family is forever. Think of all the classmates, best friends, lab partners, teammates, crushes, playmates, and other children you knew growing up. You have probably known hundreds, maybe thousands of other kids. How many of them are in your life now? (Facebook doesn’t count.)

Whenever my children fight – and fight they do! – the most important part of my intervention is reminding them that their siblings will outlast every other relationship in their lives. Even their spouses will have fewer years acquainted with them than their own siblings. As much as we can, we try to foster friendships among our children that will last forever. Because when I’m trying to remember the jingle from that crazy car commercial we saw 15,000 times during our vacation that one year, who could I call except my brothers? (For the record, it was called “Fixin’ ta Learn Ya with Cletus and Poot.” Thanks, Joe.)

4. Family gatherings are epic.

I’ll never forget my first Daniel Family Reunion. My newlywed husband and I traveled from Knoxville to Cincinnati, my mother-in-law’s hometown. The event was held at a park, the only location large enough to accommodate our crew. There were people everywhere. Tables were set up like a swap meet where family members brought items they no longer used and others could take whatever they liked. Pot luck dishes covered the picnic tables so we had to sit on the grass to eat. The playground was filled to the brim with children of all ages. There was a huge softball game and dodge ball game going on simultaneously. I waited over an hour to play corn hole because the line was so long – but the conversation was worth every minute. Several uncles or cousins or I don’t even know who brought guitars and had a gospel sing-along in the shade. There were so many people, so much noise, and so much love. All because we are family.

Here's the Daniel clan with *almost* all the kids present. My mother-in-law is second from the left on the second to top row.
Here’s the Daniel clan with *almost* all the kids present. Notice the girls laughing… This is one joyful bunch!
My in-laws (front and center) with 9 of her siblings, plus a few spouses, a niece, and my husband and his brother, taken early August for my father-in-law's retirement party. They all traveled from Cincinnati and farther to attend and sing together.
My in-laws (front and center) with 9 of my MIL’s siblings and a few other family members in August 2015. My father-in-law is an only child and adored marrying into this loving family!

5. No regrets.

A few years ago I had a conversation with an elderly woman about motherhood and all its challenges. I was pregnant with my 3rd at the time, and this woman had raised two of her own. She asked if I was nervous about having another baby, and I said, “I’m sure it will be hard, but worth it in the end.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she smiled and nodded. “I always wanted to have another one,” she confessed. “At the time we were just so busy, and I didn’t think we could manage…” Her voice trailed off, filled with regret about a life not lived, a table setting unfilled, a space in her heart forever empty.

For all the pain and regret that comes with the inability to have children – infertility, miscarriage, abortion, or loss – I don’t want to make the choice against having a baby when I’m not 100% certain. I don’t know anyone who would say she regrets having one more child, even if that pregnancy was unplanned. Whether that child is the second or the seventeenth, whether the challenges are great or small, I never want to look at my family with regret. Now, there is certainly a time that many couples come to look at their family and think, yes, this is it, we’re done. And that’s fine! I may get to that point eventually, but right now I’m just not there. There’s nothing shameful about that.

Finally, here's my crew, adoring their new baby brother. Thanks to KMB contributor Stephanie of Adara Photography for capturing the moment!
Finally, here’s my crew, adoring their new baby brother. Thanks to KMB contributor Stephanie of Adara Photography for capturing the moment!
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Mary Beth Unthank
Knoxville born and bred, my love for this area is deep and true! I'm a working-turned-stay-at-home mom to 4 kiddos from elementary to high school. My husband and I live in Knoxville where we both lead nonprofit organizations and are trying to become Love in our community. I love watching my kids learn something new, cooking for other people (but not for myself), and telling myself I'm a #fitmom when I go to the gym like once a month. I'm a bottle-feeding, disposable diapering, public-schooling (other than the time I homeschooled for a minute) mom with the stereotypical chill attitude of moms with large(r) broods. I love meeting new people, but I talk way too much and laugh when I'm uncomfortable. If you don't mind long stories and bad jokes, we are sure to be friends! Follow my family adventures on my blog Unthank You Very Much

9 COMMENTS

  1. This is the sweetest post ever!! Love having family time with extended family that love on each other. It sounds like you have an amazing family.

  2. I completely agree with you that large families are fun and I myself couldn’t imagine having less than 3 children for our immediate family. I also think people generally want what they came from. Meaning both my husband and I were one of 3 and both wanted 3 children. I would maybe even say I could do a 4th child, but I’ve already had 3 c-sections. So this is where I start to question your sanity and being a medical professional myself, I can assure you that your health and well being is where the questions come from on whether you’re tying your tubes. Each c-section becomes statistically more dangerous for complications, putting yourself and your unborn baby at risk. So at some point (read that as now) you need to put your children and your family’s well being at the forefront of your decisions and stop having more children. It’s selfish and reckless at this point.

    • Um. I’ve had 6 c-sections. The last one was actually the easiest one with the quickest recovery. My very expirenced doctor (one of the highest rated in my area) has said everything looks good if I happen to have another, though I’m not planning on it. I also know two other moms with the same story. One with 7 and one with 8! But I know of moms that have had complications after 2 surgeries and have been told not to have anymore. Point is, each woman is different. You may question our sanity, and are entitled to your opinion on that. But, I’m just going to go ahead and listen to my doctor who actually knows me and my health history, and also my own body which I know pretty well too.

  3. Beautifully written. I happen to be one of those ‘Daniel’ kids… one of sixteen. Mom and Dad raked and scraped to keep us fed and clothed. The most important thing they instilled in us was our relationship with God. It paid off because fourteen of us know the Lord as our personal Saviour. The other two say they pray, so it may be sixteen. We are very blessed and have a very close relationship with each other. Growing up, I was ashamed to say I was from such a large family. Today and many years later, I couldn’t be prouder. I have been told by someone who is an only child how very lucky we were to have each other. She grew up so very lonely.I must add that we have some wonderful, loving and kind in-laws, nieces and nephews. Mrs. Mary Beth Unthank happens to be one of those nieces. Proud of you young lady!

  4. I would have loved to have at least 6 (I did have 5 total, 3 who are angels), but wasn’t able to. I guess my daughter is doing it for me. She is expecting number 4. I’ll be sharing this blog with her. You think if Joe and Karen Caldwell had had 17, I could have been the teacher of all of them?

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